Email Script Critique: No Sleepy Emails

Script Submission

Good afternoon,

I hope this email finds you well. I am reaching out to you today because I came across your profile, and it really piqued my interest. I was most impressed with your extensive UX background, and capability to drive end-to-end research and design work at ABC Company.

I noticed that you’ve been working at ABC Company for about 2 and a half years now (that’s awesome!), and I hope it’s still going great. But, in case you’re looking to explore something new, I have a UX Designer role and a Senior UX Designer opportunity in mind. I think these roles could be a fit, and I’d love to share them with you.

I am always looking to network with passionate and ambitious design individuals, and would love to learn more about you and your career goals. Are you open to a conversation? Let me know if you are available anytime this week to chat.

I look forward to connecting!

Danny’s Critique:
So there are these cool eye tracking studies, and they prove that when someone reads a web page, they unconsciously go to two areas, the very beginning, and the very end. (This seems right to me intuitively, all speakers know that you have to open and finish strong, because that’s the content they will remember. How sad when you consider how much time we put into all the power points in-between!!)

This is important to you because you waste time at the beginning “warming up.” (This is okay on the phone, not in email.) Your first paragraph includes practically nothing your recipient doesn’t already know… (i.e., you came across their profile, you were impressed by it)

So open big… “I’m all about ABC Company. I know them well and their people are a great fit for an opportunity I am excited about! We need to talk.”

Then I would include a few salient and “wow” data points about your opportunity. (All you do is list their titles. Not good enough.)

Then Close Big…Instead of saying you are available “anytime”, tell them the whole deal is predicated on timing, and your company is hell bent on moving forward fast. So let’s try to talk today or tomorrow, what is best for you?! (When I have made deals at a company, I’ll close with, “The last UX designer I approached in this way is now tracking for a senior manager’s role and loves it! You can be next!”)

It’s abundantly clear from your writing you have a way with people and you are a genuinely nice person. But you need to rev it up in email a touch. They get a lot of these, remember, and you need to stand out. (In all the LinkedIn Profiles I’ve looked at over the years, I’ve never seen a photo of someone sleeping. That doesn’t mean they are all vampires, we just know that is not the posture, albeit part of the human condition, we want people to see. No sleepy emails!)